Can't fall asleep so...write a post

I've realized something these past few days, and it's something that runs through everyone's mind at some point in time. Our "first love" what do they mean to us? Why are they so important? How come whenever we meet someone new we compare them to that first person? It's simple really....the word first...they were the ones to teach us about who we want when it comes to truly loving someone.

I have been thinking about this because recently my first love contacted me after over a year of no contact. Strange huh? First let me explain everything...we can call this person "N"....so N and I were together a little over a year most of which had been long distance due to the fact that N was doing Ministry work a a college about 5 hours from myself. We had made this part of our relationship work wonderfully, in fact we grew closer togather because it. Everything was going right in our relationship, and shortly after we started dating we both fell in love with eachother, it was really the best relationship in the entire world. I couldn't have been happier, however God had other plans. About 3 weeks after dating for a year N was feeling that we were not spiritually matched up, and honestly I felt it too. When we were discussing this N decided to say some comments that belittled my father, and family's, view on what Christianity was. This broke my heart, to have someone who I loved so much say these things about the family who in their lifetime have done nothing but good things, and who I care so much about. This ended my first love....after that every date, gettogather, and social outing was compared to that first love. Lately I had just started to become comfortable with who I am alone....then recently I start receiving text messages from N who I can tell is making small talk, but I want nothing to do with him. My heart breaks more when I see these messages because the memories he gave me were the best ones I have received, and I can't stand them because I know we can't go back to where we were when we were happy.

So first loves suck....end of story...unless you are currently happy with your first love more power to you...so stop the small talk and leave me alone because even though I hate it I still love you....

All too well...last goodbye

Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place,
And I can picture it after all these days.
And I know it's long gone,
And that magic's not here no more,
And I might be okay but somethings not fine at all.

So distracted 'cause you were looking over at me.
Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well.

I told you 'bout my past, thinking my future was you.
And I know it's long gone
And there was nothing else I could do
I was there, I remember it all too well.

Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe you asked for too much,
And maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up.
Running scared, I were there, I remember it all too well.
You were so casually cruel in the name of being honest.

I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it
Im reminded of innocence and that very first week
something 'bout it felt like home somehow.
I can't get rid of it 'cause I remember it all too well

'Cause there we are again, when I loved you so
Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

I've got to walk away
While there's still hope
Learn to erase
The love I know
And let you go

So here we are again
Knowing this will never end
So I must let go

This is my last goodbye
Leaving all the memories of you behind
I will not wait here and waste my whole life

I can see you now
With opened eyes
When you come around
And realize
That I don't need you to survive

I will not begin
A fight that we can never win
So I'm letting go

I can't take you taking everything
From a love never meant to be

This is my last goodbye
This will be one final tear for love to die
I will not wait here and waste my whole life


With my last goodbye

Kindness

There are times in life where we feel left out, lonely and abandoned. Throughout my life that has been a frequent, when I was younger I was often the target of bullies, and was put down through mean words on a daily basis. I never really fit in that well, which is what made high school really hard. However throughout high school there were a few people who would pick me up, and build me up, and were genuinely kind to me. These were the types of people who helped me get through that time, and after graduation and going all our separate ways, I would on occasion keep in tough through social media. It wasn't often, but enough to know that we still considered each other friends.

One of these people messaged me this evening(I have not spoken to her in years), asking for my address, so that she could send me a "save the date" card to her upcoming wedding. I thought that it might have been a mistake but, it wasn't. In that moment I started to cry, feeling touched that she had thought of ME, and wanted to share her special day with me. These moments make me look back at that high school time that I hated so much, and desperately want to forget, and wish that I had enjoyed it more. I have been told that we as humans will never know how much we are loved by others, until we are shown an act of kindness. I am so excited for my friend, and can't wait till she gets her chance to walk down the aisle, and I want to thank her SO MUCH for all those years in high school where she sat and talked with me, and sometimes just listened. She made a huge impact on my life, but I never realized how much I made on her. So don't ever miss a chance to share that kindness with someone else, who knows what kind of mark you may leave.

I've always been somewhat of a child....

So here it goes, life as a soon to be 25 year old. Where do I begin? Well lets start with introductions I am a soon to be 25 year old girl who you may refer to as "T". Simple enough....so starting with that I will now tell you why I have landed here in wonderland. I have been looking for an escape lately and, decided to runaway from home and come here! Not really, if only that were possible, in all seriousness I just needed a place to chat and muse, because lets be honest if we all kept everything to ourselves we would all be crazy! So to avoid the craziness of everyday life I've decided to plop down all of my thoughts right here and give you a peak into the mind of a soon-to-be 25 year old artist , that still chooses to go though life as a child. Growing up on a small dairy farm as the oldest of three girls, I was expected to behave and act like an adult....that never happened (sorry mom and dad), I was also expected to (just like the rest of my family) either go into an Ag related field, or a science related field. Which (again) never happened, I decided to go the creative route and try my luck in an art education field. Now as a fully employed art teacher I get to meet all kinds of kids, and students, each one unique and special. I couldn't ask for anything better.....could I? This is where all of the thinking starts, all signs in my life point to happiness, and being content....but I am not....content that is...I am very much happy I can guarantee you that I am....just not content.  Then again as a child I was never content, which is part of the reason I feel that I have always bee a child. So read this blog or don't it really doesn't matter to me, but if you do be prepared to fall into this crazy insane world I like to call wonderland.